5 Keys to Deepen Emotional Intimacy aka How to Ghost-Proof Your Relationship
I’ve struggled to develop emotional intimacy for a good chunk of my life. I attracted so many romantic partners who were “emotionally unavailable,” meaning they were unable (or unwilling) to have an emotional connection. Because I, on some level, was able emotionally unavailable. Then came the glorious day when I was ghosted by a boyfriend. We’d been together for three months. Something felt off so I shared my frustrations with him. And my needs and desires. It felt scary to be so vulnerable. He received it well.
But then…he vanished. Like a ghost. He didn’t reply to my messages or return my calls. I felt worried. Concerned. Abandoned. Guilty - for speaking my truth. Frustrated that he ghosted me. And I felt satisfied. And proud of myself for speaking my truth. I didn’t know why he ghosted me but suspected it was because shit. Got. Real. 👻
As ghosts sometimes do, he reappeared six months later. He explained that he couldn’t handle that I got emotional. He felt scared because he told me things he didn’t tell other people, and that depth of intimacy scared him. I understood. Intimacy can be really scary. We expose ourselves. We don’t know how it’ll be received. I exposed myself, and he ghosted me. Yeah, I got it.
He and I dove into the depths of sexual intimacy easily. But I needed someone who could also dive into the emotional intimacy part with me too. So, for me, this was a huge win. Because I was emotionally intimate and he wasn’t able to swim in those waters with me. Mystery solved. We ended our relationship on good terms.
I’ve been ghosted a few times, and, now that I think of it, they all reappeared eventually. Each with explanations and apologies. That’s pretty cool, actually. Hey, I’m not going to judge someone because shit happened that impacted their ability or willingness to have emotional connection. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I sometimes sill do that. And I gained insight about them and myself, and insight on some barriers to emotional intimacy that contributed to their ghosting behavior.
Relationships don’t have to end to be ghosted. Or feel like we’ve been ghosted. We can ghost or be ghosted in our long-term committed relationships. Where did all the fun go? Where did the emotional intimacy go? What about the sexual intimacy? Have those vanished from your relationship like a ghost?
You might be inclined to focus on the sexual intimacy part first. And that’s a great place to start. And, the root issue is usually something deeper than the sex itself. It’s more often a lack of emotional intimacy that inhibits sex. A lack of fun and play. When I saw this quote, I felt the truth of it in my bones:
“Forget about sex. Just play first. Dance, sing, read to each other, breathe together - communicate. Don’t count on sex to be the door to intimacy. It’s the other way around: first develop intimacy skills. Then make love to enjoy them.”
What Are Emotions, Anyway?
All this talk about emotional intimacy got me thinking about emotions in general. What are emotions, anyway? It seems important if we’re going to be intimate with them. Yes, emotions are “just energy.” Neutral energy. And we prefer some of those energies, like happiness, more than others, like sadness. And…
What‘s important to know here is that emotions are a subjective experience. No two people experience an emotion in the exact same way. We have different personal histories, temperaments, personalities, biologies, and cultural influences that create a filter through which we experience emotions, and all of life, actually. And we interpret our emotions through those filters.
Emotions also have physiological responses, like heart rate or breathing. Behavioral responses, like laughing, crying, or yelling. And expressive responses, like smiling, folding your arms across your belly, frowning, or rolling your eyes. Who used to get in trouble for rolling their eyes? I sure did! 🙄
So your expression of a particular emotion - say, anger - is likely quite different than your partner’s expression of it. If you feel angry, you might go for a walk to dissipate the energy. Or tune into the sensations of that anger and feel them until they dissipate. You might schedule a session with your favorite shamanic practitioner to help you release that energy.
You might aggressively chop the veggies. Or you might yell. Or flip someone off while you’re driving - because, how dare those fuckers drive too slow! Or you might even smile, perhaps while secretly plotting revenge against the wrong-doer. Or, my recent personal favorite, the local rage room or smashing pumpkins in the yard. 🎃 I tried knife throwing for a while too, but it felt sooo disappointing because it involves the subtle art of flicking your wrist rather than brute force. Or do the silent treatment thing. Use sarcasm. Make deliberate mistakes.
Anger, and all emotions, can be expressed in so many different ways. It’s a subjective experience. And the way we express anger, and other emotions, can change over time or in different circumstances. This is something to keep in mind while you’re growing your emotional intimacy with your partner. Because it’s unwise to assume you know what’s going on under the surface. Anger one day may look different than anger on another day.
The way we deal with our emotions is usually influenced by the interactions we had with our parents, who usually didn’t know how to deal with their own emotions either. So some people are less able to manage their emotions than others because they were told things like “get over it,” “suck it up,” “be strong,” “you’re too much,” “boys don’t cry,” “you’re weak,” or “you’re too sensitive,” and didn’t learn how to manage their emotions.
This is where communication comes in. And communication is where we grow our emotional intimacy.
Five Levels of Communication
About 10 years ago, my mom was in an in-patient rehab facility for her struggles with alcoholism. On family visit weekend, I participated in the group activities offered at the facility - all of which involved communication. In one session, the counselor explained about five different levels of communication - from superficial to deeply personal. This stuck with me. After that weekend, I had a better understanding of emotional intimacy and how we can deepen emotional intimacy through communication.
Understanding these five levels of communication can help us shed light on the quality of our interactions so that we can move towards deeper emotional intimacy. So, if you want to deepen your emotional intimacy with your partner, then this is a great place to start.
Here are the five levels of communication:
Level 1: Cliché Conversation (Flirtation Fizz)
This is the most superficial level of communication, involving small talk and routine pleasantries. Things like “How are you?” or “Nice weather we’re having today.” At this level, we’re creating a social connection without sharing any personal information. There is no emotional intimacy at this level.
Level 2: Reporting Facts (Teasing Tidbits)
This level involves sharing factual information without revealing personal opinions or emotions. So you might share the beliefs and opinions of others, but not your own. Something like “I read an interesting article today” or “I saw this interesting quote about intimacy by Margot Anand - check it out” or “I”m a Virgo.” Here, we’re sharing information that is necessary or relevant to the context. And we’re sharing beliefs and opinions of others to gauge the reactions of others. We’re testing the waters to see if emotional intimacy is possible.
Level 3: Sharing Ideas or Opinions (Intimate Insights)
Here we begin to share our thoughts, ideas, and opinions, which requires more trust and some vulnerability. And a willingness to engage with someone else. Things like “I think we should approach the project differently” or “In my opinion, this is the best way to do this” or “There’s more to astrology than the sun sign.” Now we’re expressing our personal viewpoints and engaging in meaningful conversations - our personality. A bit more of a reveal which allows for some emotional intimacy.
Level 4: Expressing Feelings and Experiences (Passionate Revelations)
At this level, we share personal feelings and past experiences which can create deeper connection and understanding. It could be something like “I’m feeling really anxious about the presentation” or “I’m so excited about our upcoming vacation” or “When I was 12, my mom moved out and it was just me and my dad for a while. I felt scared. And also relieved because she had a drinking problem.” We’re building deeper emotional intimacy and trust by revealing our feelings and past experiences.
Level 5: Peak Communication (Climax Communication)
This is the deepest level of communication, where we share our innermost thoughts. Our needs, desires, and deeper emotions. This requires a high level of trust and vulnerability. We might say things like “I’m struggling with a lot of self-doubt right now” or “I feel a deep connection with you that I’ve never felt before” or “I want to explore kink with you.” At this level, we create profound emotional intimacy by being completely open and honest. When we get to this level, we’ve reached a climax in emotional intimacy.
By understanding and practicing these levels of communication, you can deepen the quality of your interactions, leading to stronger and more fulfilling relationships.
What’s Your Level of Emotional Intimacy?
After the family weekend at the in-patient rehab center, I began paying attention to what and how much I shared with my friends, family, and dating partners. And what and how much people shared with me. It was like going to an emotional intimacy burlesque show of sorts. How much would I reveal? How much would they reveal? 🤨 It felt exciting. And scary. My level of emotional intimacy varied, depending on who I was with, how I felt, and what we were talking about. So emotional intimacy can be dynamic.
As we go from Level 1 or 2 to Level 3, 4, or 5, it can feel scary. Each level requires more and more vulnerability. And soon, there you are: fully exposed. Not knowing how you’ll be received. Because it’s more risky. We open ourselves up to other people’s ideas, beliefs, opinions. Our reactions, judgments, criticisms. And theirs. Their feelings. Past experiences. Their needs, desires, and emotions. And if you and your partner haven’t created a safe enough space for vulnerability, then it’s unlikely your relationship with have the depth of emotional intimacy you desire.
What’s your level of emotional intimacy with your partner when you talk about things like money? Children? Sex? Health? Vacations? Your deepest fears? Deepest desires? And how deep do you want to go in these areas?
5 Keys to Deepen Your Emotional Intimacy in Relationships
Now that you know where you are and how deep you want to go, here are 5 keys that can help you unlock deeper levels of emotional intimacy so that you can ghost-proof your relationship. It’s like being our own Ghostbusters, but without all the slime. Unless you’re into that. 😉
🗝️ Build Trust
Create a safe and supportive environment where you both feel comfortable sharing
🗝️ Be Vulnerable
Share your own thoughts and feelings honestly and openly and allow your partner to do the same with you
🗝️ Practice Active Listening
Pay attention, validate your partner’s feelings and experiences, and show empathy
🗝️ Share Openly
Have open and honest conversations about needs, desires, and fears
🗝️ Regular Communication Dates
Communication and emotional intimacy are learned skills. Practice them by making time each week to have intimate conversations
Practice and Patience
Growing emotional intimacy in a relationship takes intention, dedication, and lots of practice. It doesn't happen overnight, but with patience, intention, and the right tools, you can create a deeper, more fulfilling emotional connection with your partner. Communication - and the emotional intimacy it grows - is the foundation for intimacy. And having open, honest, and clear conversations about your needs and desires is crucial to growing emotional intimacy, as you can see from the 5 Levels of Communication section above. Start to brige the gap between the lower levels of communication and the higher ones by using the 5 Keys to Deepen Your Emotional Intimacy in Relationships. One step at a time, and you’ll be on your way to growing your emotional intimacy.
Your intimacy host,
Heidi
Learn more about me here: About Me
