Rethinking Emotional Triggers for Couples on a Spiritual Path

Written By Heidi Orr

Embracing Our Monsters: A Path to Deeper Intimacy

We've all got monsters lurking within us - those emotional triggers that take us by surprise. Causing us to lash out, shut down, or withdraw from the people we love most.

But what if these monsters aren’t enemies to fear, but teachers to embrace? What if the things that stir our deepest wounds in relationships are actually opportunities for healing, growth, and transformation?

From betrayal and abandonment to rejection and loss, emotional triggers are powerful forces that come to the surface in long-term relationships. They surface when we least expect them and can wreak havoc on our connection with our partners.

But, when we approach them with curiosity and compassion, these triggers can become gateways to deeper intimacy and personal growth. In this post, I’ll share some common emotional triggers and some common signs to help you identify if you’re having a trigger.

I’ll also share a personal story about one of my own emotional triggers and offer a few practical tools to help you face yours so that you can build a relationship that’s more present, connected, and filled with love.

The Light Socket Monster: Where it All Began

When I was four years old, I reached my finger toward an electrical outlet. My dad, trying to protect me, told me a monster lived inside, hoping to scare me away. To my dad’s horror (perhaps amusement?), instead of retreating in fear, I puckered my lips and kissed the monster. My very own Light Socket Monster! To love and cherish. 💕

From a young age, I’ve always had a soft spot for monsters. Maybe I sensed on a deeper level that I would encounter many monsters—both my own and those of others—throughout my life. And, like my Light Socket Monster, they would need love and understanding.

Redefining Monsters: From Threat to Teacher

We all wrestle with our own monsters. Not the kind hiding under the bed, but the parts of ourselves that we bury - unresolved issues, wounds, traumas, or unquestioned beliefs waiting in the wings.

In relationships, especially long-term ones, these monsters inevitably surface. And that’s the way it should be. For those of us on a spiritual path, these monsters are here to teach us what we need to heal.

Some common emotional triggers that bring these monsters to life might be:

❤️‍🩹 Betrayal

❤️‍🩹 Loss

❤️‍🩹 Abandonment

❤️‍🩹 Criticism

❤️‍🩹 Rejection

Whatever monsters we have lurking inside, they’ll come to the surface as emotional triggers.

When these emotional triggers arise, they act as alarms. Pointing us us toward the inner work we’d benefit from doing. Imagine these monsters waving their little hands, shouting, “Hey! Over here! Something needs attention! We need to unearth this thing!”

Our monsters long to become a helpful resource rather than a destructive one.

But instead of facing them, we often shove them back into the shadows, hoping they’ll just go the fuck away.

Spoiler: they don’t.

They stay, fester, and grow until they’re triggered again, bursting out like a creepy ass clown from a Jack-in-the-Box.

So when clients tell me that want to feel more present in their relationships, I become curious about their monsters.

If we want to be more present in our relationships, and with ourselves, then we need to engage with our monsters.

Or those monsters - our emotional triggers - make it difficult, if not impossible, to have an intimate relationship filled with presence and connection.

The Nature of Emotional Triggers

An emotional trigger is an emotional reaction to an unresolved trauma, a negative experience, or a deeply held belief. It’s a signal that something unresolved is being activated.

Here are some common signs to help you identify whether or not you’re being emotionally triggered:

❤️‍🩹 Having an overlay strong reaction given the current situation

❤️‍🩹 Feeling fear, anxiety, or panic

❤️‍🩹 Physical tension

❤️‍🩹 Ruminating on negative thoughts

❤️‍🩹 Having flashbacks of traumatic or stressful events

In other words, something happens, it triggers an emotional reaction in us, and shit blows up. Right in our faces. It’s like stepping on a landmine. We’re reacting to the past in the present moment.

Our rational and logical selves go on holiday. We shut down. Lash out. Blame our partner…those inconsiderate jerks! 😡

We might even do our best to avoid emotional triggers by deliberately avoiding those landmines and all the destruction that could ensue should we step on one. 💣

So we avoid situations, circumstances, or conversations that could set off our emotional triggers. Or our partner’s.

But ignoring, avoiding, or denying our monsters wreaks havoc on our relationships because it stifles growth and connection.

Which really sucks because emotional triggers are powerful AF.

The Power of Emotional Triggers: From Landmines to Goldmines💛

Here's a radical shift in perspective: emotional triggers aren't landmines to avoid - they’re fucking goldmines of self-discovery. They unearth those parts of ourselves that we previously buried.

When we engage with our triggers, we’re unlocking doors to self-awareness and integration. Our partners, in fact, help us access these hidden parts, bringing our deepest wounds to the surface where healing can happen.

I know it’s challenging. And it’s also one of the most powerful paths to growth and intimacy.

A Personal Example: Dancing with My Betrayal Monster

Let me share a personal story about my own Betrayal Monster.

It reared its head when I was 18 and in a relationship with Santos. Santos worked swing shift and picked me up late on Friday nights so that we could spend our weekends together. One Friday night, he didn’t show up.

I called his work. He left at his usual time. I called his home. Repeatedly. No answer. I feared something bad happened to him. I laid awake all night fearing something had happened. Cell phones weren’t common then - they were the size of bricks and we didn’t have them.

Around 6:30am on Saturday, he answered. 😮‍💨 Relief! He’d just gotten home. From a party. He got drunk, passed out, and woke up with hickies all over his neck and chest. I felt a deep sense of betrayal. 😡 Anger replaced relief. Then he blamed me for his behavior because I “wasn’t available” to him. WTF? I was literally available to him that very night and every weekend. 😤

Years later, in another long-term relationship, the same fear arose. When Michael came home late without a call, my mind raced with worries and suspicions. I voiced my concern, acknowledging my trigger and past hurts. We agree that he’d call if he were ever running late. And, for a while, he did.

But later, he started coming home late again - without calling. My intuition told me something was wrong. I was right. He was having an affair.

See a pattern there? 😉

The more my Betrayal Monster surfaces, the more opportunity I have to develop awareness about it and integrate it into my being. 🦢

5 Keys to Embracing Your Monsters

When you realize you're triggered, celebrate that awareness! 🎉

Then, try these five steps:

🗝️ Breathe

Use techniques like 4-2-7 breath (inhale for 4, hold for 2, exhale for 7).

🗝️ Ground yourself

Look around your environment to bring yourself back in the present moment.

🗝️ Take responsibility

Own your thoughts, feelings, and emotions without blaming others.

🗝️ Communicate

Let your partner know you’re triggered and what you need.

🗝️ Process your emotions

Give yourself time and space to feel and validate your emotions.

The Transformative Power of Embracing Our Monsters

Facing and integrating our emotional triggers can transform us - and our relationships. Doing so lead to:

✨ Deeper self-understanding

✨ More presence in our relationships

✨ Stronger connections with partners

By embracing our monsters, we unlock a path to wholeness and more meaningful intimacy. 💕

From Triggers to Transformation

Emotional triggers are powerful AF. ⚡️ But they don’t have to be destructive. They’re not obstacles to avoid but opportunities to embrace. 🤗

It’s time to turn these powerful emotional triggers into catalysts for transformation.

While it’s a difficult journey, embracing these moments leads to deeper intimacy and personal growth.

Your intimacy host,

Heidi

P.S. To explore how I can help you and your partner embrace your monsters and build a stronger connection, book your no-strings-attached Secret Rendezvous here.

Learn more about me here: About Me

Heidi Orr https://heidiorr.com
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